Achieving Positive Behavior Support by Creating Strong Relationships

Have you ever been told that your child is a “behavior problem”? It’s a sweeping statement sometimes used by frustrated teachers and Principals. As a parent, how do you feel when you hear it, embarrassed, angry, upset, afraid, confused because you don’t have these problems at home? Does it feel as if you go to a lot of unproductive meetings about your child’s behavior only to be given a list “incidents”, but little in the way of solutions? Wouldn’t it feel good to leave school meetings having shared what you know about your child, described your vision of success, and carrying in your hands, a plan to help your child have a good day in school?

Many parents feel this frustration, and, guess what, so do many teachers and Principals. The outcome everyone is looking for is the same, a happy and productive student. Sometimes though, we struggle to find a way of talking about behavior or responding to it which leads toward long-term solutions.

Addressing behavior has become a very complicated, research based, science with a variety of different schools of thought. Behavioral approaches can be used to understand and address the behavior of large groups of people or to focus on just one person. Despite the mystery surrounding the science of behavior, there are some principles which are fairly straightforward:

• Consequences either strengthen or weaken behavior
• Positive consequences are more powerful than negative consequences as a means to change behavior
• Behavior is largely a response to the immediate environment (external or internal)
• Changing the environment in order to change behavior takes time, and
• Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior

Because past behavior predicts future behavior it is hardly surprising that we go to meeting after meeting about the same old things; not only is the child repeating past behaviors, but so are the adults who are trying to deal with the behavior. If someone doesn’t change the way they are behaving, the situation will continue. But guess what, as adults we generally have the greater insight, so we also have the responsibility for creating the change! Unfortunately, when we sit in meeting after meeting and talk about all the negative behaviors a child is engaging in, a lot of attention is diverted away from the one thing we can really commit to changing-our own behavior.

We may also forget to focus on what success will look like, and we are then at risk of losing faith that positive change is possible. It is with this “meeting behavior” where the change could start, and it’s really quite easy. Start the meeting by visualizing success, describe it precisely, and get excited about the potential. When people feel positive, the process of creative problem solving becomes easier and good change feels attainable once again.

If it’s true that positive consequences work better than negative consequences, loss of privileges, time outs, suspensions, and loss of recess will not change behavior-ultimately they do more harm than good. Coercion and the use of power and authority to control behavior tends to lead to avoidance and withdrawal, retaliation and aggression, failure and low self-esteem, and it teaches children that coercive behavior is acceptable. However, schools may continue to use such methods because they appear to gain short-term compliance. Eventually however, punitive approaches will bring everyone right back to the meeting table.

Fortunately, there are great opportunities all day long to use the power of positive consequences to create behavioral change and a more cooperative learning environment. Positive attention is the most powerful reinforcer and it’s easy. Your child is probably behaving very appropriately for large portions of the day, but because this is the expectation of the school community it may not be noticed and is therefore less likely to be rewarded. When adults set clear, meaningful, realistic expectations and consistently acknowledge a child’s efforts to live up to them, they become a reinforcing presence in a child’s life, and this strengthens the relationship-and the relationship is the key.

 

Nothing influences behavior so strongly as the clear expectations of a significant other.”

Jim Steffen
Management Consultant
 

Sometimes teachers and administrators may use negative consequences as a first resort rather than a last resort, partly as a response to the limitations of the school environment, or the huge responsibility they have for the education of a large group of children, but also because they are human and have feelings and needs.

Imagine yourself in charge of a classroom of 10 year olds, maybe up to 30 of them! Of the 30 kids, 19 are engaged and productive, 10 are sitting in their seat but clearly not paying attention and 1 is moving around the room making noises and taking other kids books and papers off their desks. This student has an adult (you or maybe an aide) in hot pursuit telling them what not to do, and it’s making no difference at all.

 How would you feel? If it were me, I would feel anxious about this lack of control over my environment and I would need to regain control of my classroom in order to fulfill my responsibility as a teacher and retain my belief in myself as a competent professional. More importantly, I would feel very worried that my emotions were taking over and that my own behavior was becoming unpredictable. I would feel irritated and maybe angry with the student and less inclined to want to be around them as they were so out of control. What would be easier than to send them out of the room until they calm down? The truth is, I need them to leave the room so I can calm down! My sense of not being in control of my emotions means that I seek the fastest way to escape my sense of disregulation.

This can become an ingrained cycle of cause and effect. If being in the classroom is less rewarding for the student than a visit to the office, the child will continue with the behavior on a daily basis, and the teacher will continue to seek the relative calm of the students’ removal from the classroom by continuing to send them to the office. This kind of situation typically starts slowly and snow balls over time. It has a profound impact on the relationship between the student and the teacher, who no longer see the other person as a positive influence in their life.
This may sound like a problem with no solution, but relationships can be repaired over time through a shift in thinking from the “problem” towards a “vision of success”. It’s not enough to just to ignore irritating behavior where possible (this only teaches the child what doesn’t get attention), and criticize and punish it when necessary, in the hope it will resolve the problem. It’s creating and holding onto the vision, and systematically recognizing and acknowledging the child’s accomplishments in the classroom that really repairs the relationship and leads to lasting changes in behavior. As a teacher, you are the most powerful reinforcer, so listen and show you care, speak and act only if you believe that what you are about to say or do has a good chance of making things better and deepening the relationship in the process. As a parent, think about how all this applies to your relationships with your child at home and your child’s educators (or any other human for that matter) and try to apply the same principles. Set your intention to use meetings to create a vision of success, develop a clear and positive action plan, acknowledge progress, problem solve creatively and deepen relationships and see if this creates the change in “meeting behavior’ that is needed, and eventually, the outcomes for your child that you want to see.